Charades
by Sydney47
Summary: S3, Hourglass. Vaughn and Sydney talk about what happened in Richmond.


_Charades_

My heart starts to race as I just think about bringing up the subject, then settles on a deep pounding in my chest and temples when I start to speak. "Listen… About what happened in Richmond…"

She turns towards me quickly and responds matter-of-factly, "You were doing your job."

I'm glad she interrupted me because I doubt either one of us would have liked what would have rolled out of my mouth. I internally take a deep breath and calm down a little – relieved that I have the chance to, because I'm starting to get a headache.

Even in the most unlikely situations, it's been so easy to talk to her about anything; she can anticipate me like no one I've ever known, and that makes it more comfortable sharing difficult thoughts. Sometimes it's _too_ easy, though. It's like she can tell that the conversation will be hard on me or the both of us, and she allows me to take us around saying the hard part. That quality has always been helpful, but also detrimental at the same time. It's like playing a failed game of charades in which I'm making the motions for one thing, but she's blurting out an answer that's completely unrelated. I usually understand that she knows what I'm thinking and that she's just using a simple diversion tactic out of kindness, but still, those feelings she doesn't want to talk through need to be dealt with.

And some things need to be said.

"And she is your wife," she eventually continues, still without enthusiasm.

We're both unable to meet eyes even as I answer, "Not for long."

The feelings floating around in the van are all too embarrassing and awkward for my liking. So, I'm thankful for the mission to keep us otherwise occupied, but still the thoughts creep in about the whole situation.

This wasn't how it was supposed to be. Coming into this job, I knew there would be sacrifices I would have to make and difficulties that I wouldn't otherwise have to face, but everything has spun so out of control that I'm living in utter chaos. I knew it would be hard to have a normal family life while being so tied up with work, but I could see that dream coming true with Sydney. Granted we hardly had spare moments to try being _normal_ together, but there were times when it felt like what we had together would be better than any _normal_ we could think of.

In those times, I could see a future with her, plans for extended weekend vacations, finally getting around to showing her my place, fleeting thoughts of how it would feel to be engaged…

These were all things that I had mapped out in my head, and while I realized that they weren't written in stone, I didn't exactly think they would all just be shot to hell either. With Sydney dead and those plans gone, the best thing I had in mind to do was to drink myself into oblivion. It was no future, but it kept the pain at bay.

That continued until another person unexpectedly came into my life, someone who helped me out of my messy hole that was full of what was left of my relationship with Sydney – memories and conversations in my head with her – all of it decaying into a foul stench; a place where I may have rotted myself.

But Lauren helped me not to. And I thought that I'd found _the_ someone again – the someone who was real and true, honest and genuine, giving and loving… But she was none of those things. She was deceitful and conniving, contradictory and secretive, hateful and hurtful. Her betrayal of me started at the moment we met. All of the lies she told me, the real reasons why she even approached me are what she is going to pay for when this mockery of a marriage can be ripped to shreds.

There's this anger building inside of me that hasn't even reached a peak, and it's still growing bit by bit with each thought of how I could have believed a word she ever said, with each moment that I have to pretend that I'm not feeling any differently. I need closure on this before I go insane or before she has the chance to escape. The end to this prolonged game cannot come soon enough.

Suddenly, Sydney touches me on the arm and makes me turn and look at her. Her hair is shorter and darker than usual, but her features are just like what are imprinted into my memory. Eyes bright and filled with concern, she seems to be saying something but I can't hear her. The thoughts of what we should have had and still be having together are filling my head too much to let anything else in. It's not until she starts shaking me and repeating my name that I'm able to clue in.

"Vaughn… Vaughn, what's going on? Are you all right?"

I shake my head briefly to clear my mind. "Yeah, I'm fine. What were you saying?"

She narrows her eyes a little, and I'm almost afraid that she's reading my mind. "I'm going in. Look, are you ready for this or…"

"Yeah, yeah, go. I'm right behind you."

I smile to decrease the tension, but she looks at me dubiously even as she says, "All right." She gets up out of her seat, but before she opens the door, she turns back to me. "Vaughn, I know your discovery about Lauren has been anything but easy on you so… maybe we should talk later, if you want to."

"I'd like that," I nod.

"Okay," she finally smiles.

* * *

"Are we okay to talk in here?" Sydney asks, glancing around as she enters the briefing room, still dressed as she was for the mission.

"Yeah," I answer as she takes a seat next to me. "Lauren already went home, and things are winding down for the night." I notice that she sits down rather heavily and closes her eyes for a moment while she shakes her head.

"Are you okay?" I ask.

She sighs. "It's nothing – just my father…" she trails off and shakes her head again.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really," she brushes it off. She turns her head to look at me, and it's as if she's shed off the skin carrying all her problems and then the next layer has all its attention focused on me. I'm almost feeling jealous of her ability to push aside problems like that and not let them get in the way of whatever she wants to do.

If only it were so easy for me.

"So… how is it going with Lauren?" she asks me a bit tentatively. "Does she think anything has changed between you two?"

"I don't think so. She seemed happy about us going to that counseling session, and she told me she'd like to go back, so it doesn't look like she's trying to escape or has contacted anyone for an extraction."

"That's good," Sydney affirms, but when she looks at my face, she adds, "and bad."

"Yeah," I nod sternly. "I mean, it's fine for the CIA that their demented plan is still working, but with Lauren not making any suspicious moves is not allowing me to have her taken into custody. I have to keep playing this stupid game of 'Hi, honey. I love you too,' when I _hate_ her fucking guts!"

I pound the table with my fist and feel it shake with my force; a force that I wish could be used on Lauren's head…

"Vaughn, maybe you should take some time away from her. Tell her it's for work. Just get some space—"

"No amount of space will take these thoughts away," I answer, frustrated and angry.

"Then think of it in terms of time. In twenty years, how much are you going to let this affect you? The thoughts and memories may still be there, but your contemporary life will be apart from them if you want it to be. You have to be patient with this situation." She raises her hands in defense, "I know that's asking a lot, but time is also on your side if you think about it. Lauren is being watched every _moment_; if you take a few days off, she won't get away."

"You could be right," I give her. I'm silent for a few moments as I think of how a few days away would be. I'm afraid that the thoughts and feelings about my marriage would just continue to haunt me; it'd be hard to even think of having fun by myself. I could visit a friend, or…

"I'd ask you to come with me, but I don't think it would be a good idea while I'm 'reconciling' with Lauren," I say, a little disappointed.

She smiles a bit and says, "Well, if we're saying that this trip is for work…"

I chuckle. "You know, I just said to Lauren that you and I go away together a lot." We smile at each other before I say, "All right, let's do it."

She touches me lightly on the arm, and my smile reflects in her eyes before she gets up. I stop her though with a tug on her arm, then I stand up and face her again as she looks at me questioningly.

"Uh, listen, I never got to say what I wanted about what happened in Richmond."

"Vaughn—"

"No, please," I stop her. "I need to tell you this." I look her straight in the eye. "It was bad enough that I had to sleep with Lauren – that I _do_ have to sleep with her – "I shake my head before continuing. "And you were right – it's part of the job now, but what shouldn't have been and what's killing me the most is that you had to hear it.

"I mean, of all the things I could have imagined what this job would bring, having my ex-girlfriend listening to my traitorous wife and I having sex would be the absolute last on the list. _The_ last. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you had to be the ex-girlfriend in this and in any scenario, and I'm sorry that you had to listen."

"Vaughn," she says softly, her voice on the verge of breaking. "I—I can't… God, this is so unfair," she sighs and looks away as she brushes away some tears. She turns back to me and I see the pain that I've caused her in her eyes, and I immediately regret what I've said.

"Syd, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have—"

"Don't, Vaughn," she warns me almost harshly. "Don't say you didn't mean what you said. Don't take it back. If you do, I don't think I'll be able to say what I wanted to say for so long."

She waits hardly even a moment, but I'm silent as she continues, "I know it's not the right time and that I've waited too long, but God damn it, I love you. I love you, Vaughn."

I pull her to me and wrap my arms around her tightly and whisper to her, "I love you too, Syd."

We eventually pull back and loosen our holds on each other, but the power and energy of our love is as strong as ever. She dries her face and smiles, but when she glances away towards the door, her smile fades. "I think the whole office caught the evening show."

"Yeah," I say bringing her attention back to me. "And they're going to love this."

I kiss her fervently and she responds after initial surprise. Suddenly I know that the charades are coming to an end. A reality that I can finally enjoy is on the horizon. All it takes is a little…

"I can't wait for that trip with you," she sighs softly after our lips part.

"Patience, Syd."


End file.
